The Bachelor Party

                The bachelor party is a very controversial issue and everyone has a different opinion about what should happen at one.  In this post I want to set out a strategy for dealing with potential issues before they happen and give a little information about how I think bachelor parties should be handled. Obviously not everyone is going to agree, so feel free to comment below.

               

                The image many people have of bachelor parties involves a bunch of guys getting drunk and causing mischief. We see this type of party shown repeatedly in the movies we watch. I do not think those type of parties are good for anyone involved. I think having a party like that only causes the bride and groom trouble in the future. I know I do not want to worry about what my bride-to-be is doing at her bachelorette party so I think it is only fair to provide her with the same assurance for my bachelor party. I am proposing a pact between the bride and groom stating that they will not engage in any activity that would make the other one uncomfortable if he or she were there. What each individual is comfortable with varies from person to person so I cannot set any hard and fast rules for you. The only way to find out what your partner is comfortable with is to sit down and talk to him or her and be honest. Obviously, the bride and groom would have to do create the pact before the party actually happens so that they could set ground rules.

The typical way a bachelor party occurs is the Best Man and groomsmen organize the party without the groom’s knowledge. This means that if the groom wants to assure that nothing happens at the party to violate the rules of the pact he created with his bride, he must tell his groomsmen about the pact and its rules. It will have more effect if the groom is the one to tell his groomsmen the ground rules. It also helps if the guys selected to attend the bachelor party are trustworthy individuals that both the bride and groom can trust to follow the rules created in the pact. If you are a little creative, you can do many things other than going out and getting drunk and doing things you will regret in the future.

                Since I am not involved in the planning of the party, I do not really know what the overall plans are but I do know what I told my groomsmen.  I told them that I do not want that typical movie party and they have assured me that we will not be engaging in any of those activities. Because of this, I came up with a plan for what I would like to do for my bachelor party. At the time I get married, I will live at an apartment complex where residents can rent the in-house movie theater for a night. Each resident can bring his or her own movies to watch on the 86-inch television with surround-sound. On the other hand, residents can bring a game system like an Xbox 360 to play games on for the entire night. Therefore, my idea is to rent out the movie theater on the night of my party and play Xbox with my groomsmen into the morning hours. This also means that if we chose to, we could ingest beverages and would not have to drive anywhere while intoxicated to get home. This idea follows the rules of the pact my fiancée and I have created and makes both of us feel comfortable with the choices that will occur.

The Tuxedo

             

                We have all heard the saying, “Clothes make the man,” and to be honest they do to an extent. When we go to important events in our lives like job interviews, we dress as nicely as we can and a wedding is certainly no exception. On many occasions, the bride has been waiting her whole life to put on a dress that symbolizes her transition to a married woman, so it only makes sense that the groom should dress as nicely as the bride does. I will tell you how we chose what I will wear at my wedding and give a short description of the different types of tuxedos or suits men can wear at a wedding.

After looking at multiple tuxedo rental companies, we decided that the men in our wedding would wear a grey tuxedo that looks very similar to a suit. We went with that style because our wedding will be more casual and is scheduled to begin at 10 AM so it did not make sense to us to have black tie attire in the morning. The best way to find out what you like and do not like is to go to something like the Bridal Extravaganza that happens twice a year in Houston. There you have the chance to talk to all the vendors in the Houston area and see what they offer. Both Men’s Wearhouse and Al’s FormalWear were at the show we went to, which gave us the opportunity to look at all the styles offered by both companies. We were feeling kind of lost because neither of us really knew what we were looking for or wanted when an employee from Men’s Wearhouse walked over to us and helped us decide, based on when and where our wedding will be, what suit or tuxedo would be best. She pointed out that black suits or tuxedos are not normally used for morning weddings because that color and style is usually reserved for formal dinners in the evening. One we had thrown out those ultra-formal tuxedos we came to something called a “morning suit” which is a jacket with coat tails cut very long. We did not like that style either and to be honest, it was hard to imagine myself in that type of suit. What we finally decided on was a tuxedo cut exactly like a suit.

                To give you a little background on me, I love suits. I was in a business fraternity on campus, Beta Alpha Psi, which had weekly meetings where all the members had to dress up in a suit because we had professionals from Houston and Dallas come in and give a presentation. It was a networking opportunity so we needed to look like professionals ourselves to impress these recruiters. I feel put together in a suit so it made sense that I would be dressed in something like a suit at our wedding.

The woman who was helping us at the Bridal Extravaganza showed us the grey tuxedo and we fell in love with it because it looks smart and nice without too nice for our wedding. Once you pick the suit, you need to set-up an appointment to pick the colors of the vests, ties, and pocket squares. The next step is to make sure all your groomsman get fitted so that the company will have all that they need at the time of the wedding. My groomsmen are scattered across the nation so it is nice that we chose a company, Men’s Wearhouse, that is also everywhere around the country. That means all my groomsmen have to do is go into a store wherever they are and tell them our wedding Group Number and the store will fit them and make sure the store closest to the wedding will have  everyone’s suits. One last piece of advice, get everyone fitted as soon as possible because companies change what is available on an ongoing basis. To make sure they have what you want, you need to lock it in as soon as you can. Hope this was helpful!

Flowers

                You can make picking your flowers into one of the most fun activities in the whole wedding planning process if you try. We had three different florists locally that our reception site recommended so we decided we would take a day and make it “Flower Day.” We scheduled consultations with all three florists one after another to make sure we remembered everything that each florist said and promised to do. It was a long day, but it ended up being worth it because each florist had great ideas that we were able to take to the next appointment so we could get the best of all three at the florist we picked.

               

We started the day at a florist that looked more “industrial” and the outside of the building was not very attractive. We walked in and were taken back to the florist to start our appointment. He was not friendly and took pride in having the cheapest flowers in the area, which he bragged about constantly.  We left after he decided to show us his appointment book to prove how busy he was, which left both us feeling as if he was saying, “I don’t need your business.” Our next appointment was right after our first one so we moved on and on the way to the next place, we talked about what we liked and did not like about the first appointment.

               

The second appointment was at a florist that literally had no plants in their lobby for us to look at, which made us feel a little nervous. Once we started talking to the worker however, she really seemed to understand what my fiancée wanted for the flowers and colors for the wedding. You can tell when someone you are talking to understands what you want and starts to make suggestions that make you think. We did learn one important question to ask while we were at that appointment; will the person you are talking to be the person at your wedding putting together the flowers. We found out the woman we talked with would not be the person at our wedding. After that disappointing piece of news, our appointment ended and we went on to our third appointment.

               

Finally, we arrived at our last appointment. We knew the quality of flowers that this florist produced and were already leaning toward the third by the time we arrived. We sat down and were impressed by the appearance of this florist who was dressed in a smock and obviously had been working on putting flowers together herself even though she was the owner. She also understood what my fiancée wanted but offered even more suggestions than the second florist offered and told my fiancée that the flowers she wanted would be in season, which the others failed to mention. After the appointment, the florist told us she wanted us to come back for a follow-up appointment so we could see the flowers she had in mind. We waited a week and did come back and saw all of the flowers, which were beautiful. However, the last florist also seemed to understand what we wanted and was the most willing and helpful of the three but was the most expensive. We had a decision to make. Did we want someone cheaper who was harder to get along with or someone more expensive who really wanted to work with us? To be honest, if you have the money it is not even a question. We went with the more expensive florist because we knew that she would be there when we needed her and that she would do a good job. Overall, it all comes down to which florist understands what you and your fiancée wants. 

Pick the florist who is easy to talk with and you know will do a good job. One last tip: if you are not sure what quality of flowers come out of a florist’s workshop, order a bouquet from that florist. I would recommend you use a fake name so that they do not know it is someone they just consulted.

Ceremony and Reception Sites

The ceremony and reception sites are obviously very important for the wedding and putting a lot of thought into picking the right place is important. Think about where you want to remember the moment when you promised to love and honor the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Do you want it to be in the church where you both grew together? Or perhaps on the beach with sand between your toes. It is very important that you as a couple actually agree on where you want the ceremony and reception to be. Check into multiple sites on the internet and then schedule tours of each one all on the same day. We did this and it helped us to remember the things we liked and did not like at each venue and mention things we found out as we went along. We are members of a church back where we grew up so it was a no-brainer where we wanted to the ceremony to happen, but the reception was a total mystery.

The ceremony site is the place you will remember most. The church where you get married or the gazebo or beach or wherever you choose to say your vows will always be a special place. On the other hand, perhaps you want a destination wedding in Hawai’i or Las Vegas. In that case, I would recommend you call the site and ask questions before you even consider booking it for your wedding. That way you will know you can reach the owners and how helpful and accessible they will be. Finally, with the ceremony site you need to find out if you are able to have your reception at the same site and if not, you need to decide where you want it to be. Our church does not allow alcohol so we had to pick a different site for our reception because we wanted to be able to drink champagne.

Booking the reception site is one of the more stressful parts of the wedding planning process. The major things involved in choosing the reception site include going over the guest list again, picking the menu for the food you will serve and deciding what sort of celebration you want it to be. Based on the capacity of the reception site, you might have to cull the list of guests you invited to wedding down to a manageable number for the reception. Then you must pick the type of food you want to serve which can be a sit down meal, a buffet or something in-between. The type of food you choose can easily set the tone for the type of celebration you want the reception to be with sit down meals considered more elaborate and buffets more relaxed. We picked our site because I had been to a wedding there before and really liked it and told my fiancée about it. We set-up an appointment to take a tour of the site and meet all the staff and ended up falling in love with the owners and site. When you find the right place, you will know it.

Guest List

           In the last post, I talked about creating a guest list but did not give any good guidance or help which I intend to correct in this post. Most of your budget goes toward paying for the venue and paying for your guests, so it is important you not waste that money on people you do not want at your wedding and reception. The best advice I can give you is to sit down with your fiancée and hammer out a list of the major groups of people you would like to have at your wedding. We ended up with family, extended family, church members, family friends and our friends as our major groups. Once we had that number, we compared that to the capacity of the venue we booked and our guest count was below the capacity of the venue, so we had some extra places we could fill. Getting the list together is a tough job and my fiancée and I have had to sit down with both sets of parents, our friends, and just us at least eight to ten times to get the list to where we have it now. Everyone and every wedding are different so I cannot give you any specific guidelines but I can tell you that this step can be fun, but you have to make it so.

               

            I would recommend starting the list with your immediate family and wedding party first, and then moving on to extended family and everyone else. It seems obvious but sometimes it is easier to think of friends and extended family that you would like to invite. If you forget a family member, feelings are definitely going to be hurt. Once you have your family listed out, move on and speak honestly and earnestly with each other about who you want to come. I can guarantee you one thing: not everyone you both want can be invited. Everyone involved in our wedding has had to make sacrifices and most of them boiled down to co-workers we would have liked to invite but could not. Another important tip is make sure that everyone is sharing the hurt of not getting to invite someone. There is nothing more unfair or hurtful than someone telling you that you must make all the sacrifices.

Call or speak to those people you cannot invite and let them know you would have liked them to come but you just do not have the budget to invite everyone. We have had problems with this through the whole process. We have many church friends that we wanted to come but we had to settle for telling them they are welcome to come to the ceremony. We will not have room at the reception for them however, because we are trying to keep the reception for family and close family friends. You may want to consider inviting people to the ceremony site because it can usually hold more people and you do not have to pay per person to attend the ceremony. After all, the ceremony is the actual union and the reception is just a celebration of that union.

It’s not all doom and gloom though! You are picking people to share your special day with you. Those people who have watched you grow up, grew up with you, shared a special moment, or just have always been nice all have a place at your wedding. Make a couple of passes over your list to make sure that everyone coming is really someone you want to come for you or your fiancée’s sake.

The Budget

Setting the budget for the wedding is, in my opinion, THE most important step in the whole process. During the creation of the budget, both the bride and the groom must be honest with each other about their expectations and wants. It is very easy to skip this step and just go straight into booking venues, photographers, and all the other things that are so much easier (and more fun) to focus on than setting the budget. In addition to being the starting point for the whole process, this time also can be a good chance for the bride and groom to really talk and connect about what they want their wedding to be. Is it going to be a lavish cocktail affair or more of a family celebration with barbeque? By being honest during this period both the bride and groom can avoid potential fighting points later in the process.

There are two different ways to start the budget planning process. Both are viable options but both take cooperation. They start with picking a guest count first or picking a venue first. If you are going to have a lot of extended family and/or friends coming to your wedding, I would recommend starting with the guest list first and then looking at venues based on that number. Conversely, if you are dying for your wedding to be at a certain place then find out the guest count that particular venue can accommodate and make your guest list based on that. Regardless, the majority of your budget focuses on the guest count and booking the venue. Sit down with your future husband/wife, talk to them about what they want and expect from the wedding, and share your feelings with them. Once you both agree on what you want, then you can talk to parents, friends, and relatives who WILL offer suggestions and critiques.

Which brings me to an important point:

EVERYONE WILL TELL YOU WHAT THEY WANT AT YOUR WEDDING. 

Your fiancée is your ally and is there to help you when all these "helpful" suggestions start to weigh you down and make you doubt your plan. Talk to him/her.

Based on what resources you have once you book the venue and find out how much each guest will cost you, you can make appropriate decisions for photographers, flowers, etc. A good way to get a feel for the people you will be hiring to work your wedding is to go to a bridal show…together. Yep, drag your better half with you. They are just as much a part of this whole process as you are. If they do not want to go, I would recommend you tell them how much you want their input and value their opinion. Hire those people you meet and really connect with and be honest with them so they know what you expect. I will write about each person you need to hire during the next posts. Good luck!

A Guy's Guide

By writing a blog about planning a wedding, I am running the risk of alienating half my readers. Honestly, how many guys do you know that would seek out and read a blog about planning a wedding? Well this blog is going to be for those guys who do want to be involved in the planning process and for those ladies who want their guy to be part of the wedding plans. I will do my best to provide advice for both sides, and with continuing help from my fiancée, I will try to include helpful thoughts for brides-to-be as well.

My fiancée and I became engaged on December 17, 2010, a day before our 4^th dating anniversary. To give you an idea of why you should take any advice from me, my fiancée and I already had our reception venue, photographer and videographer booked before the Spring 2011 school semester started in mid-January. We attended the Houston Bridal Extravaganza where we picked the tuxedos for the male wedding party, talked to 15 photographers, checked out florists and much more. I have experienced almost everything that goes into planning a wedding except for picking out the bride’s wedding dress. All I ask is that you read my blog with an open mind and really believe that grooms can be involved in the wedding process if they feel like their opinions and thoughts are wanted and needed. Brides, keep in mind that if you treat him like the wedding day is yours alone, he will act accordingly. My fiancée is awesome and treats it like our day; hence, I want to be part of the plans.

I picked out some highlights from the whole process that either can cause problems or I had some special thoughts or experiences I felt I could share. They are setting the budget, creating the guest list, booking the church/ceremony site, picking a reception site, flowers, clothes, the bachelor party, the ceremony itself, and plans for after. Of course, if something else comes to mind I reserve the right to change my topics. I look forward to sharing my thoughts and experiences with you and hope at least one thing I say will help you in your planning process. If you have already taken the proverbial leap, I hope something I say will make you laugh and remember a fun time during your wedding.